https:\/\/colab.research.google.com\/drive\/1nEi_Ew1ffT0i_cUB7shpXHIpomACQmdv<\/a><\/p>\n<\/p>\n
Poems<\/p>\n
Within the car I write a contract that is said by him and he is so present. He looks like somebody who has been with him all his life. He talks like an old friend and I think of a scene from The Third Man (1949). But then for some reason I stare out the window thinking of the first time I tried to write a poem and forgot the words in the middle, threw it down and then reread it and realized that what I had written was a poem. But I could not say what it was about. The only thing I could think of was if I ever fell in love with a man. To love a man. It did not matter the race or the religion. If I were to fall in love with a man. It was something I did not think I would ever consider. My friends never talked about it. Our fathers or grandfathers were together in the war, or in school, or in business. We only talked about what we did. But we could not talk about any of the feelings we had. Like when I was fifteen and saw a movie about a man and a woman who fall in love and married and when they got married their friend said I had married with a hooker. He was right and I was dumb. But I could not say why. I was so surprised. All of a sudden I knew that I wanted to fall in love with a man. I would wait until he would tell me that he loved me. That would be good. But he never would. He always said that he liked me. He always tried to make friends with me, but I wanted to feel his touch and say what I felt.<\/p>\n
Poems<\/p>\n
Only in relationships with other people did I feel the way I did. There I could truly get love and affection. I was worried that I would not find someone to love. But since I was sixteen I began to look for a boyfriend. I thought that he would be the one to love me. I did not know how to love. But I knew that when I did not feel it, I would love him. I wanted him to tell me that he loved me. I would stand over him for him to say it.<\/p>\n
Poems<\/p>\n
I looked for someone, any way. Then when I met someone, I could not say I was in love with him. How could I say it when I could not even love myself. For a long time I did not dare to love anybody.
\na2fa7ad3d0<\/p>\n
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