It’s been less than a month since the #MeToo and Time’s Up movements swept the nation, but now a new wave of women, men, and gender-nonbinary folks are taking to Twitter to talk about the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad experiences they’ve had with casual sex — or, more specifically, people who have been very poor service providers. A lot of the posts are honest and constructive. But many of the comments aren’t — and the crappiness of the commentary just makes our whole “woke, so you!” mission seem passe.
“When I had a relationship before, I never thought about sex as something that I went to other people to get. I’d go to other people to give them something special. I’d go to other people to show them something that felt right. I’d go to other people to have fun. When I realized what I had given up, I thought I was stupid.” — @SaraHC
“Now, years into a monogamous relationship, I’ve never felt more liberated than when I call this service to cancel this particular fling. What else could people even do in this era of casual sex and maybe more so, casual sex services? I’m having bad sex because I’m lonely, working 40 hours a week, and trying to pay rent. I’m having bad sex because my sex drive is suppressed. I’m having bad sex because it’s harder than it used to be. I’m having bad sex because of the inability of the ‘free’ sex to feel anything. But what about the next guy? It’s easy for me to judge this guy. He is the next guy, but he also has a life outside of a piece of paper. His life isn’t as easy as his perfect Instagram pic of an aloha shirt and a scruffy beard. His life is kind, and his words aren’t worth anything if I don’t believe in him, so maybe I don’t agree with his choice, but at least I can feel like I’m enough for him. Maybe he isn’t. But that’s the thing. We all find it easier to assume that everyone else is like us, and because the world is so judgmental, and this goes beyond just casual sex, we don’t see our own judgmentalities. We don’t think of things we say and do. Instead, we think of the guys that just come through our social media feeds
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The Structure of Casual Relationships: Secrets to Casual Sex
1. Psychology lesson: Think good sex. Many of us date as if we’re on a date: we check the others’ looks, decide whether to go in for a kiss or wait a little longer, and ask how we’re doing on a scale of 1 to 10. But couples in casual relationships choose casual sex without any of the drama. That means they don’t care as much about when or where they have sex, what they wear, or if they meet each other’s friends. That makes sex much more intimate and more satisfying. They’re not trying to impress anyone with anything except who they are. And in the best cases, they get on so well that they end up a serious couple.
But though casual sex is more free-flowing and less formal, it’s still important to make an effort to know yourself and the other person, and to consider what you’re expecting from the sex. You don’t want sex to become a grind, and you don’t want to be disappointed. Every time you have sex, you should ask yourself what you’re feeling — not just to make sure you’re into it, but to get more comfortable with your own body. Then talk to your date about what he or she likes (it’ll help if you’re comfortable reading a sexy script together) and be prepared to negotiate.
4. If you’re looking for a serious relationship, don’t have casual sex when you’re just starting dating — it’s a sign of insecurity. Simply going to bed with someone because you’re horny doesn’t make you confident enough to be in a relationship. Even if you think you’ll be in love with this person for the rest of your life, you don’t want to get into anything serious too quickly. Take some time with him or her before you get into a serious relationship.
5. Ask for specific consent. Casual relationships can lead to sex, but they’re not defined by it. You need to ask for your partner’s (and your own) permission before you have sex, and tell them how you feel. For example, you may be both turned on by the idea of sex at that moment — but you wouldn’t want to have sex just because you’re horny.
6. Show your partner you respect them. When it’s happening, pleasure yourself a little bit, because masturbation can be better than sex with someone you’re not attracted to. This does three things. First, it shows your partner you want them.
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